chapter 17
“……Divorce?”
“Yeah! But you have to give me enough money to live on. I’m incompetent, so if I don’t have money, I’ll die.”
Ah! I finally said it!
It felt like I’d been stuffing my mouth full of dry sweet potatoes and then suddenly gulped down a fizzy soda—an exhilarating freshness swept through my entire body.
That was how badly I’d wanted to say those words.
But there was one thing I’d completely overlooked.
“Why should I?”
The fact that Ciderion wouldn’t move according to my wishes.
“Huh…?”
“Why do I need to get divorced?”
That’s not the answer I was expecting.
Was he refusing because he didn’t want to give me money?
How stingy.
“Well, I told you already. I don’t know how to do anything, I’m useless, and being a Grand Duchess doesn’t suit me. If I stay as Grand Duchess, I’ll just be a burden to the Empire!”
Wow, I’m pretty good at talking, huh?
It was persuasive. Logical, too.
But apparently, that was just my own delusion.
He didn’t look convinced in the slightest.
For some reason, his expression darkened instead, and he spat out his words before turning away sharply.
“I don’t like you.”
…That’s exactly why I’m saying we should divorce?
Before I could say that, Ciderion was already striding away.
Did I seriously do something wrong?
***
When Ciderion returned to his room, he leaned his back against the door and sank into thought.
Whenever it’s about that girl…
Why did everything feel so uncomfortable?
He couldn’t understand it at all.
Even when people had openly insulted him at the banquet, he hadn’t felt anything.
He was used to it. It didn’t matter. It wasn’t worth caring about.
But she was different.
Before he knew it, his gaze followed her, and he found himself watching her expressions.
And with every change in her expression, his chest stirred.
It was a strange sensation—one he didn’t like at all.
When the Crown Prince had taken her hand, an unbearable heat had flared inside him.
Yet strangely, his mind had stayed clear, as if cold water had been poured over it.
A feeling—an emotion—he had never experienced before.
He hated change.
Ciderion wanted to live exactly as he was now and die that way.
That was why he’d made excuses to avoid Lilia for a while.
If he could just avoid seeing her, being with the unpleasant Emperor was preferable.
At least with the Emperor, he didn’t feel unfamiliar emotions.
I should avoid her for now.
Until he figured out where this feeling was coming from.
But why had that happened earlier?
When Lilia had mentioned “divorce.”
This part hurt.
Ciderion rubbed his chest.
Thankfully, the pain from before was gone.
Still, it had left such a strong impression that the sensation lingered in his memory.
I don’t know.
He shook his head, brushing aside the tangled thoughts.
***
Contrary to my worries that I’d angered Ciderion by bringing it up, nothing happened even after several days passed.
Things like losing a limb, or waking up buried in the ground.
Thanks to that, my morning routine became checking my body as soon as I woke up.
By the third day, when I saw I was still perfectly intact, I finally relaxed.
Was he not angry?
It was true that he didn’t feel emotions well, but that didn’t mean he had none at all. So it was entirely possible he’d been angry.
And yet, the fact that I was still alive meant I hadn’t offended him too badly.
Then why?
Why had he suddenly frowned like that?
Could it really be because he didn’t want to give me a few measly coins?
No way.
Given the wealth of the Grand Duke’s family, being petty over pocket change made no sense.
I quickly discarded that thought.
Even if Ciderion found me irritating, I couldn’t just avoid him forever.
Should I go find him?
He still scared me, but my predetermined future scared me even more.
I don’t want to die…
I’ll try one more time.
Even if I can’t persuade him, I need to make sure he knows I’m always willing to divorce.
With that resolve, I went to find Ciderion—but as if it were my cursed luck, he was impossible to meet.
Whenever I asked Merina Herden about his whereabouts, the answers were always the same.
He went out, he’s preparing for war, he went to the Imperial Palace.
What’s a thirteen-year-old so busy with?
Because he hadn’t clearly said he’d grant the divorce, my anxiety only grew with time.
At this rate, won’t he go off to the battlefield without me even seeing his face?
It was a very real possibility.
I just want to live!
Trying to calm myself, I walked through the garden, snapping leaves off a nearby tree—
When I sensed someone approaching from somewhere.
Instinctively, I hid myself in the bushes.
And the person coming this way was—
Ciderion?
What an unbelievable coincidence.
I thought I wouldn’t see him again until eight years later.
If I felt happy about this, did that mean I was losing my mind?
He looked lost in thought.
It felt awkward to approach him casually.
But since I ran into him anyway, I need to settle this once and for all!
I remembered how he’d half-listened when I’d brought up divorce before.
If I say it twice, he’ll remember, right?
Determined not to miss this chance, I stepped out of the bushes.
Ciderion turned toward the rustling sound, his eyes widening.
Then he quickly turned his body away.
“W–Wait a second!”
I hurried toward him. Thankfully, he didn’t run away any further.
But… why am I even worried about Ciderion running away from me?
At this point, I couldn’t help but be suspicious.
I narrowed my eyes and asked,
“Are you… avoiding me?”
“Why would I?”
…Because it obviously looks that way?
Still, there wasn’t really a reason for him to avoid me. If anything, I should be the one avoiding him.
“If not, then fine. But let’s talk for a moment. Just a moment!”
“I have nothing to talk about with you.”
A curt reply.
But by now, I was somewhat used to it.
And there was something I’d learned from observing his reactions all this time.
He’s not going to kill me easily, no matter what.
Even now, his gaze only looked mildly annoyed, as if I were just a nuisance.
So I declared boldly,
“I do!”
“I don’t.”
“I said I do!”
“I said I don’t!”
When he suddenly shouted, my eyes went wide.
Ciderion seemed to realize it too, biting his lip with a startled expression.
His pink lips were pressed against his white teeth, turning red.
The eyes that usually looked at me with indifference wavered, unfocused—as if even he was surprised.
He’s… kind of cute?
No—more importantly, did he just raise his voice?
W-Well, I guess I had been pestering him a lot. That could explain it.
“I have nothing to say to you.”
After saying it clearly while glaring at me, Ciderion turned his back again.
So rude, as always.
But I wasn’t about to back down over something like this. I hurriedly grabbed his wrist.
The only reason I could act this boldly was because my desire to live was that desperate.
“Even just for a moment!”
He froze.
The moment I grabbed his wrist, Ciderion stopped moving.
He slowly turned his head.
Only then did I realize—
I had never grabbed Ciderion first before.
I-Is he going to hit me…?
Thankfully, that didn’t happen.
But I couldn’t let my guard down. He might shove me away like he used to.
Granted, that was a long time ago.
I hold grudges longer than you’d think.
I watched him cautiously, but instead of reacting harshly, he just let out a heavy sigh, clearly annoyed.
“So. What do you want to say?”
“Huh? Ah, well… it’s what I said before…”
I glanced at him nervously, and he tilted his head as if to tell me to continue.
Thinking how annoying a kid he already was, I went on.
“If you come back alive from the battlefield…”
“Again with that? That’ll never happen.”
He twisted his eyes as if sick of hearing it. I asked,
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because I’m going there to die.”
“Why?”
“…There’s no reason for me to tell you that.”
Technically, he was right—but I couldn’t help feeling curious.
Why say he was going to die when he’d clearly survive?
Sure, it’s a hopeless war by anyone’s standards, but he did come back alive. Wasn’t that because he had the will to survive?
“If you’re going to die anyway, just tell me.”
I need to know more about you to prepare myself better.
At my shameless reply, Ciderion let out a hollow laugh, as if dumbfounded.
It was a question I’d thrown out without any expectations—a pointless bit of banter.
I never once thought he’d actually tell me the reason.
“If you find out, you won’t be able to talk to me like you are now.”
“Why?”
He stepped closer and whispered,
“Because I’m a monster.”
Despite the warmth of his breath against my ear, his voice was cold—like midwinter frost.
“…A monster?”
When I murmured, he stepped back again.
His gaze remained fixed on me, yet somehow it felt like he wasn’t really looking at me at all.
What in the world goes on inside that small head of his?
Then, for the first time, Ciderion smiled.
It was a smile without warmth—closer to poison than kindness.
And he continued,
“I’ve killed people.”
That shocked me.
Not because of the fact itself, but because Ciderion was telling me this.
I already knew he had killed someone.
And I knew that at the time, when he hadn’t been completely consumed by his fire attribute, he’d felt guilt.
Of course, now that he was older, he felt emotions less than before.
But people have memories.
He remembered the past when he felt guilt.
An adult Ciderion might forget that—but he was still a child.
And right now, I wanted to take a gamble on that possibility.
