Chapter 2
How wonderful it would be if, like magic that had long disappeared and now existed only in name, everything vanished the moment I opened my eyes.
But magic had disappeared long ago.
There was no way what had already happened could simply disappear.
Besides…
Magic existed only for the Imperial Family.
It would never help someone like me, who stood against them.
Magic was nothing more than a foolish wish.
Reality…
Was still reality.
I slowly opened my heavy eyes and sat up.
“My Lady, you’re awake?”
As soon as I threw off the blanket, my personal maid, Jenna, hurried over with a worried look.
I stepped down from the bed, my mind still blank.
“Has Father left?”
“Yes. Head Butler Dairik personally put him into a carriage and sent him away. The Count refused to leave, so the knights escorted him out.”
“Dairik must have had a hard time.”
“I’m more worried about the Count. I have a feeling he’ll come back and do something like this again.”
While fixing my messy hair, Jenna let out a long sigh.
“What on earth did the two of you talk about? You even fainted. I was so scared.”
She shook her head, her voice full of concern.
Jenna had followed me all the way from the North.
She knew how I felt just by looking into my eyes.
No matter how many times I told her to go back to the North, she refused because she worried about me.
She was always on my side.
If she had heard what Father said…
She probably would have been even angrier than I was.
She might have even cursed him with every insult she knew.
Knowing Jenna’s sharp tongue…
That was entirely possible.
So…
It was better if I kept this to myself.
I quietly remained silent.
“Is the Duke coming home late again today?”
“I don’t know. Lately he doesn’t tell us when he’ll be back, and he never eats at the mansion anymore. Even Head Butler Dairik doesn’t know.”
“I see.”
Should I tell him?
Or would it be better to stay silent?
Should I tell him that the people responsible for all of his suffering had finally revealed themselves?
That we no longer had to avoid each other?
That everything had been nothing more than a scheme by Father and the Crown Prince?
…But…
Even though I had shouted until my voice broke that everything was a misunderstanding…
Would he even believe me now?
He had already given up because of everything he had seen.
And the two of us were already trapped in a swamp we couldn’t escape.
I kept thinking…
Until the sky gradually darkened…
Until night swallowed everything…
Until he finally came home.
In the end…
The answer came because of something much simpler than I had expected.
Ironically…
Whenever my husband came home drunk…
He always looked for me.
Even though our relationship had already fallen apart…
He searched for me every single night.
If he discovered I wasn’t there…
He became even more violent.
Once, Jenna carefully told me that it seemed he could only feel at ease after confirming that I was beside him every night.
As if…
He searched for me by instinct.
But…
Could I really believe that?
After all, every night he questioned me endlessly about where I had been and who I had met.
I stood before him like a criminal, trying not to show any emotion.
“What did you do today?”
Just like every other night.
He returned home only after it had become too dark to see anything without a lamp.
As he changed his clothes with unsteady movements, he questioned me without emotion.
“I stayed at the mansion all day. You can ask Dairik.”
“Hah. Dairik always takes your side anyway. Who exactly am I supposed to trust?”
His voice was sharp with drunken sarcasm.
It wasn’t because his words were slurred.
The strong smell of liquor clinging to him…
And the way his words pierced my heart instead of ignoring me…
Made it obvious.
Whenever he was this drunk…
He was always like this.
He kept asking me questions.
Then mocked both my answers…
And the people who could prove I was telling the truth.
Yet at the same time…
He looked at me with eyes I could never answer.
His words desperately tried to hurt me.
But his eyes…
Looked even more wounded than mine.
Was he asking me to understand him?
Or did he not even realize he looked at me that way?
Either way…
There was nothing I could say.
And today…
He kept asking.
Without stopping.
“Where did you eat lunch today?”
“Did you receive any invitations? You’re not secretly exchanging letters with the Crown Prince again, are you?”
“Did Dairik secretly give you anything? Tell me now before I have your room searched.”
“Please, just stay quietly at home. You didn’t go out without my permission again… did you?”
He questioned me again…
And again.
As though asking the same things over and over would somehow ease his anxiety.
When he first started asking me these meaningless questions…
I answered every one of them honestly.
If it could make him trust me again…
That alone was enough.
But hopes…
Were only hopes.
My answers never satisfied him.
He always asked the same questions.
Almost as though…
He was waiting for me to finally admit that I had betrayed him.
“Can’t you quietly cause trouble like the other noble ladies? Or better yet… can’t you just live as though you’re dead? Why is it always you who throws the entire Empire into chaos?”
It’s not my fault.
I didn’t do anything.
“Then why did you choose me in the first place? Did you want to see the proud Fontaine family fall apart? Is that it?”
Because I truly loved you.
I never wanted any of this.
“I can’t believe a single word you say anymore. How much longer am I supposed to endure this?”
Why don’t you trust me anymore?
Do you even regret ever loving me?
“I should never have married you. If we had only been lovers, I could have thrown you away whenever I wanted.”
Those were words I had heard countless times.
Cruel words I should have become numb to by now.
So why…
Did they still tear my heart apart?
“I should never have believed… you… or your love.”
…Atheord…
I…
“Just disappear from my sight already… please…”
His eyes were full of hatred.
His voice couldn’t hide his contempt.
He poured every bit of resentment and bitterness he had into those words.
…Yes.
Maybe…
It would have been better if we had never met.
Then perhaps…
You wouldn’t have suffered this much.
“If… if I were born again… I would never meet you again, Eloise.”
The moment I heard those words…
It felt as if something inside my heart quietly snapped.
And at the same time…
I realized something.
Staying by his side…
Was no longer helping him.
At last…
I understood the one thing I could still do for him.
The answer had already been decided.
There had never been any need to keep searching.
After cursing me until he had no strength left…
He finally fell asleep.
I silently watched him for a long time.
Even after saying all those cruel things…
He still looked as though he was suffering in his dreams.
I wished…
At least he could sleep peacefully.
Without realizing it, I reached out my hand toward him.
Then I quietly pulled it back.
A long time ago…
Whenever nightmares from his childhood troubled him…
I would gently stroke his hair.
It was nothing more than a faded memory now.
Afraid that my hand might accidentally touch him…
I turned around and quietly left the room.
If I touched him…
His nightmares would only become worse.
“My Lady, has the Duke fallen asleep?”
As soon as I closed the door, Jenna hurried over.
I nodded lightly and began walking.
Tonight, he had come home drunk again…
Hurled cruel words at me…
But tomorrow morning…
He would quietly leave for work as though nothing had happened.
The alcohol would blur his memories until he couldn’t even remember what he had said the night before.
Then…
He would spend another night suffering because of the gossip he heard outside.
Those days repeated themselves endlessly.
And they would continue…
Until one of us finally gave something up.
“Jenna. You should go and rest too. You don’t have to stay any longer tonight.”
“Huh? But My Lady, it’s my job to make sure you go to sleep.”
I stopped walking and motioned for her to leave.
She quickly shook her head.
Kind…
Loyal Jenna.
I gently pushed her toward the hallway.
“It’s all right. Come a little later tomorrow. I want to sleep in.”
“But, My Lady…”
“Go on.”
When she saw that I wouldn’t change my mind, Jenna reluctantly left.
I watched until she disappeared.
Then I walked toward my room.
It was only a few steps away from Atheord’s room.
As I walked…
I thought about the last thing I could do for him.
Back in my room…
I wrote him a short letter.
It began with an apology.
And…
It ended with an apology.
What else could I possibly say to him?
His life had been destroyed because of me.
It had been completely shattered by my father’s greed.
The letter wasn’t very long.
Yet every memory of our life together blurred my vision with tears.
My hands shook so badly that I had to carefully write each word.
The ink spread across the page.
I rewrote it…
Again and again.
After writing the final line—
“I’m sorry.”
—I hesitated for a moment.
Then…
I added one more sentence.
“If there is another life… I pray that we never meet again.”
What he had given me…
Was a happiness so deep that I could never repay it.
He gave me a love…
Unlike anything I had ever received in my entire life.
For the first time…
The emptiness in my heart had been completely filled.
If not him…
Who else could ever have made me feel that way?
But I had nothing I could give him in return.
The only thing I could offer…
Was this small wish.
A wish that would probably never come true.
Perhaps it was nothing more than empty words.
I gently steadied my trembling hands.
Then folded the letter neatly…
And placed it where he would easily find it on the bedside table.
Finally…
I slowly raised the knife in my hand…
And quietly closed my eyes.
