Chapter – 39
I hugged the pillow tighter and muttered,
“Mom… why did you do that…?”
My eyes grew hot. Fingers brushed lightly over the corners of my eyes again. That only made the tears fall more. Honestly, I never thought I’d cry just because of a warm touch. Thinking about it, it had been so long since anyone had gently stroked me like this.
“Except for Julius… no one ever pats my head… and Julius can’t come to the capital…”
If Joshua had been a little older, maybe he would remember our parents better. But I had been separated from them at five, so I barely remembered anything.
Only Julius, whom I met briefly ten years ago, had treated me kindly. He said he had also summoned his familiar at twelve and told me I would be able to do it soon too. Back then, before Melissa came, things hadn’t been so twisted for me.
After that, there was no one who would dare pat my head or treat me with affection. The servants obeyed me, but they didn’t cherish me. It wasn’t their place to.
I murmured quietly,
“I lied a lot… I said the chick was mine… that Melissa stole it… but no one believed me…”
“……”
“But you know…”
Words I had never told anyone spilled out as I felt that long-forgotten warmth.
“Actually… I didn’t believe myself either… I knew Melissa was the one who summoned the chick…”
“I’m aware that familiars hold great significance in the Frelai family.”
“But I kept dreaming… it was all because of those dreams… and Mom seemed wronged too…”
“……”
“But it wasn’t true… so I couldn’t believe myself either…”
“……”
“Do you get it? Hm? I couldn’t trust my own words, my own thoughts. Do you know how lonely that is…?”
Cesare didn’t answer, but his hand continued to gently stroke my hair. Maybe that was why I kept speaking honestly, even though it was all meaningless to anyone else.
“But when I studied magic engineering, I could believe myself… In this world where truth and lies are unclear, formulas are always clear.”
“……”
“When I showed equations, even strangers from other countries believed me… whether I was Kiana or not, whether I was Frelai or not.”
“……”
“That’s why I like numbers… I like magic engineering… It lets me believe in myself… it’s the only thing that gives me certainty…”
“……”
“My family has no answers, Marquis. Only victims are left, still not knowing what to do… So of course I prefer something that has answers.”
“……”
“But Marquis.”
“Yes.”
“You said you came here for business. Did it go well?”
“…I’m not sure.”
Cesare spoke quietly as he stroked my hair.
“I didn’t manage to resolve it.”
“Oh… so you were incompetent.”
“But thanks to someone’s help, I did manage to figure out one step further.”
“Oh… congratulations.”
“But I tried a trick to get something I wanted from that person. I’m a rather despicable person, you see.”
“Oh… yeah, that checks out.”
I was giving proper responses to keep the conversation going, and Cesare added slowly,
“I didn’t get the answer I wanted from that person…”
“Oh… what a waste of time.”
“…But it doesn’t feel like a waste of time.”
“Why?”
He fell silent for a moment before answering slowly.
“I don’t know myself.”
“Hm.”
“After going through difficult times, I decided I would never feel goodwill toward anyone again. That’s why I’m confused.”
“You had hard times too?”
He sighed as he continued stroking my hair.
“I was deeply betrayed by people I trusted with my life.”
“Ah.”
My heart tightened a little. It reminded me of how I devoted seven years to the academy only to be coldly discarded.
The pain of betrayal isn’t just the moment you’re betrayed. It’s the long time before that—when you trusted them without knowing anything—that hurts even more. Without realizing it, I spoke quietly,
“They were clearly the ones at fault… but don’t you keep blaming yourself? Don’t you hate that?”
“…My lady?”
“You know it in your head… that they were the terrible ones… but sometimes you think, ‘If I had done better back then, maybe this wouldn’t have happened,’ and that ridiculous guilt comes rushing in…”
“……”
“Because… the version of you back then, who didn’t know anything, was happy… and you don’t want to deny that happiness… that pitiful sadness… so in the end, you start hating yourself more…”
“You’ve been betrayed before, my lady.”
Cesare spoke quietly.
“That’s a loneliness only someone who has experienced it can understand.”
He gave a faint laugh and added,
“Regardless of right or wrong, I’m no longer a good person.”
“…Hm?”
“I’ve already become the kind of person my past self despised the most. I use people as tools, value utility over sincerity, and rely on deceit and lies.”
“Hmm…”
“And my situation is very complicated.”
There was a trace of self-mockery in his voice.
“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to approach anyone sincerely again.”
There was more sincerity in his voice than ever before. Perhaps because I was drunk, he too had let something slip.
“No… you can’t…”
At that moment, I forced myself up, swaying.
At a very close distance, my eyes met Cesare’s. He stared at me in surprise.
“Listen, Marquis.”
I grabbed his arm tightly.
“You shouldn’t think like that.”
“……”
“You can’t decide that you’re a bad person just because of them.”
“…What?”
“They don’t get to define your worth. Sometimes, someone completely unexpected can become your strongest ally.”
Just like how I had grown a little closer to the Frelai family, even though I had left them.
“If you lose people like that too, you’ll just become lonelier…”
I smiled faintly as I looked into his surprised eyes.
“So don’t hate yourself, Marquis. Don’t trap yourself by saying you’re a bad person.”
“…My lady?”
“I hate myself too… but I still try not to.”
“……”
“So when it’s like that, you have to live properly. You and me both.”
I could tell Cesare had wounds from the past. But who doesn’t? Still, that didn’t mean you should go around doing shady business in slums and visiting clubhouses.
Honestly, I had already lost most of my good impression of him. Still, as a former professor, I couldn’t help giving advice for the future.
“Try harder, Marquis. If you try, you can become a good person again.”
I smiled at him, my eyes curving.
“With new people… start again.”
It was half meant for myself too.
“Don’t miss the new light that comes to you. Never.”
Cesare said nothing and just stared at me.
“So be happy, Marquis. Really.”
At that point, all strength left my arms. I collapsed back down.
“My lady, wait—”
He adjusted my position and forced me to meet his eyes again, as if he couldn’t let me fall asleep like this.
“I… I…”
But he hesitated, unable to continue. He looked like a student who didn’t understand anything after class but didn’t even know what to ask. Feeling generous, I allowed one question.
“If you didn’t understand, it’s fine. Almost no student fully understood my lectures anyway. But if you want to ask something, just one question. I have somewhere to be next.”
Because I was really about to fall asleep.
“…Yes. Understood.”
After a brief silence, he asked desperately,
“What is it that allows you to keep walking toward the light like this?”
Silence fell between us again.
I took a deep breath and answered,
“Friction.”
“……”
“Without friction, you can’t walk.”
And with those final words, I truly fell asleep.
