Chapter: 23
Not knowing what kind of answer she should give, Ivnia only opened and closed her mouth slightly for a moment.
Fortunately, before the silence stretched any longer than necessary, she managed to think of a proper response.
“…Then you’ll have to live with me for a very long time.”
“That’s better. No matter how long you live, it’ll only be about eighty years from now on. What’s the big deal about that, making such a fuss about dying early?”
Only then did Ivnia open the eyes she had closed and turn toward where he was.
Luckily, he also had his eyes closed, so the awkward situation of their gazes meeting did not occur.
Even though her heart was tight with the anxiety that she might be discovered, Ivnia couldn’t take her eyes off his face.
The smooth black hair scattered over the pillow, the clean double eyelids, and the lips pressed into a straight line—she engraved every detail into her memory as if carving them there.
She had always thought he was beautiful, but she had never been able to look at him for this long before.
I’m glad I asked him to sleep together.
It was a greed she could never indulge in while he was awake.
If she couldn’t stop staring at his face, he would surely think it strange.
It might sound ridiculous if he heard it, but Ivnia wanted to give him only good things.
Because he had been kind to her, she wanted to be just as kind to him in return.
Yet it was truly strange. Right now, she was trying to give him something he would not welcome at all.
“Ram, about that couple earlier.”
“Why do you keep bringing up those scary people?”
“Do you think they really lived ten years without even holding hands once? Even though they were married?”
He had been answering in a sleepy voice as drowsiness slowly overtook him, but at Ivnia’s persistent question he eventually opened his eyes.
Tilting his head slightly to check her direction, he frowned and asked,
“Are you trying to pull some trick so you can hold my hand right now?”
“We even stayed together overnight. What if we die without ever holding hands?”
“I’ll do it later, so don’t come over here. If you do, I’ll go sleep on the sofa.”
It seemed he had completely forgotten that they had already held hands earlier in the study. Or perhaps his judgment was clouded by the sleepiness creeping in.
Yet even in that state he guarded his chastity with absolute thoroughness, which made Ivnia think that the moment when he showed any kind of opening would probably never come.
Suppressing her disappointment, Ivnia asked,
“Did you really remain faithful the whole time after your wife passed away? Not even holding hands with another woman?”
“Yeah.”
“For hundreds of years?”
“….”
Perhaps it was a sensitive subject, because he fell silent for a moment.
Just as Ivnia, thinking it had been an insensitive question, was about to apologize belatedly—
He let out a sigh and answered.
“Because that was the only thing I could do.”
“……”
“The only thing left for me to do for that woman was to miss her, so that’s all I did.”
Staring at him quietly, Ivnia spoke impulsively.
“I’m jealous.”
“Of what?”
“That kind of love that looks at only one person.”
Ivnia was sincerely jealous of his wife.
It was exactly the same feeling she had once had when she envied her older sister.
“I’ve never had anything that was truly mine.”
Ivnia had inherited many things from her sister who had left first.
The dresses and jewelry her sister cherished, the tapestries and books that decorated her room, the maids, even her fiancé.
And on the day the sister who had been believed dead returned alive, everything naturally returned to its original owner.
Everything—except this man, who had been abandoned to her only because he was a monster.
She probably didn’t know that he was the most precious thing of all.
So before long, even he would return to her sister.
After all, he was the most valuable thing Ivnia had temporarily borrowed from Emilia.
Quietly, Ivnia stretched her left arm toward where Ram lay.
His bed was wide enough that she could extend her hand as far as she wished without crossing the line he had drawn.
Covering the place where his face was with her palm, Ivnia slowly spread her fingers.
The wedding ring that had become terribly shabby once it came into her possession faintly glimmered in the darkness.
Just as Ivnia was curling her fingertips, feeling as though she might start crying—
Ram suddenly stretched his arm toward her.
With only his little finger extended neatly toward her.
Startled, Ivnia asked in a voice she hadn’t even managed to steady,
“What is this?”
“Even Nina would forgive this much.”
After answering that, Ram hooked his little finger around Ivnia’s, then pulled her arm down from the air.
Perhaps he had simply thought he should soothe a crying child so she could finally sleep.
As if there would be no more conversation, he firmly declared, “Let’s sleep now.”
Then he stubbornly kept his eyes closed and did not open them again.
Their tightly hooked little fingers were already starting to tingle, but Ivnia couldn’t voice a single complaint.
She stared at his finger hooked right beside her shabby ring with an indescribable feeling.
In a place his eyes could not reach, a base and greedy desire slowly began to lift its head.
We’re married anyway.
And I won’t have a next time.
Can’t I have this person… just a little?
Couldn’t you give him to me just for a moment?
Just this one finger joint, only until winter comes…
Ivnia hastily pulled her hand away from his and quickly turned to lie facing the opposite direction.
Fortunately, he had already fallen asleep, so no voice came blaming her for her sudden whim.
Only she remained awake, unable to sleep until dawn deepened, listening to the frightening pounding of her own heart.
On days when she had done something wrong, she would always have nightmares.
They were dreams of receiving a sorrowful punishment.
“Dear, wouldn’t it be better to tell Ivnia to go back to the room she used before? I still want to leave at least one space in this mansion where I can remember Emilia.”
Young Ivnia stopped abruptly when she heard her mother’s voice leaking through the crack of the door.
Instinctively, she realized she had overheard something she was not meant to hear.
What should I do? I had something I wanted to show them.
Murmuring that awkwardly to herself, Ivnia clutched the hem of her skirt.
She didn’t want to leave just like that, so she hesitated instead of turning back right away.
Through the narrow gap in her view, she saw her father patting her mother’s back as if to comfort her.
“Didn’t your father advise it as well? That it would be better to hand over even the things Emilia used to Ivnia. It’s almost superstition, but if you think about it like that, the letter demanding it in the first place didn’t make any sense.”
“But whenever that child overlaps with Emilia in my mind, it gives me chills…”
“Stop saying weak things and steel your heart. What’s important isn’t the objects. The truly important thing is—”
At that moment, Count Hessen suddenly turned his gaze toward the door.
It seemed he had finally noticed the shadow flickering in front of the room.
Ivnia couldn’t even think of running away. She simply looked at her father approaching her with an angry face.
In a harsh voice, he called her name.
“Ivnia Hessen!”
In the dream, the look in his eyes sometimes changed.
At times he seemed terribly angry, and at other moments he looked almost frightened.
Only after many years had passed did Ivnia finally realize that none of those impressions had been a misunderstanding.
The expression he had worn back then was exactly the same as when he had come face to face with Emilia, alive, at a relative’s house.
He had deliberately become angry because he was afraid the truth would be discovered.
