IRRY 05

Chapter 5 

Cotton squeezed her eyes shut in the pitch-black darkness where not even the faintest silhouette could be seen. Feeling her breathing and heartbeat gradually quicken, she fumbled her hands through the dark.

Quickly… quickly.

Soon, she caught hold of something. Realizing it was her husband’s arm, Cotton let out a sigh of relief.

Other than closing her eyes herself, she was terrified of darkness. Whenever the surroundings dimmed even slightly, fear rushed over her in an instant. She didn’t know why either. But whenever Rikton was intimate with her, he always turned off every light. She didn’t know the reason for that, either.

Still, Cotton clutched him tightly, as if his warmth were the only light in the darkness, forcing her eyes shut. She was afraid that if she asked him to turn the lights on, Rikton might use that as an excuse to send her away.

When Cotton cast aside her embarrassment and pride and came to ask Rikton to hold her, it wasn’t simply because she wanted to become pregnant.

Of course, she would be happy if she bore his child. But what she truly longed for was her husband’s—Rikton’s—love.

Even if it wasn’t love, even if it was only the hollow, miserable warmth she could feel during these brief moments of intimacy.

Their relationship ended after doing only what was necessary to conceive a child.

Despite the courage it had taken for Cotton to come to him, Rikton stood up without hesitation. Even though she couldn’t see him, she felt the heavy presence moving away from her. Cotton hurriedly grabbed him.

“Rikton…”

But he always pushed her away like this. The warmth beside her disappeared. No matter how desperately she called for him, he never took hold of her again.

It was as if he were saying that since the business was finished, she should return at once. He didn’t even try to speak with her.

She had always known he was like this. So why did it feel especially sorrowful and empty today?

“…Is it because of your fiancée?”

The words slipped out unconsciously.

Startled herself, she quickly shut her mouth, but she could feel the movement in front of her come to a halt.

“What?”

A moment later, the lights came on.

Perhaps he had never even taken off his clothes—Rikton’s shirt was only wrinkled where she had grabbed it. As if wondering whether he had heard correctly, Rikton glared at her with wide eyes.

Maybe he was dumbfounded by the sudden question. Maybe he was angry at the absurd suspicion.

But why did that expression only make her more certain?

She didn’t want to say anything more, yet the truth that had already slipped out pushed past her lips, mixed with a surge of sorrow.

“Is the reason you don’t love me anymore… because you can’t forget your former fiancée?”

Cotton’s connection with Rikton had begun entirely because of that fiancée.

When Rikton first saw her, he claimed she was his missing fiancée. Cotton insisted it was a misunderstanding—that she was not that person—but he had said this to her then.

[You are Renedia Alfrt. I’ll help you recover your memories.]

And so Cotton crossed the sea with Rikton and came to Asbern. She tried countless methods to recover her memories, but nothing returned.

Even after they married, her memories never changed, and the relationship with her husband grew more distant than that of strangers.

Day after day she floundered in uncertainty, until eventually a single possibility took root in her mind.

What if… I’m not Renedia Alfrt?

Memory.

It was the thing Cotton wanted to find the most—and the thing she feared finding the most.

Rikton’s fist slammed down onto the desk with a bang.

Even then his anger didn’t subside. He swung his arm again and again, stopping only when bloodstains began to appear.

“Ha.”

Breathing roughly, Rikton lowered his head and let out a hollow laugh.

The reason he didn’t love her anymore—was it because he couldn’t forget his former fiancée?

Just repeating the thought made the corner of his mouth twist in disbelief.

[Then what? Are you going to pretend to be Renedia now, after insisting you weren’t her all this time?]

So he had mocked her.

The person who had torn his heart apart countless times under the excuse of lost memories had tried to dig at his wounds again—so he returned the pain.

The expression on her face, frozen in shock, slowly crumbled.

It should have felt refreshing. It should have felt satisfying.

But instead, his mood only sank deeper into the mud.

Even as he slammed the door and left Renedia alone in the bedroom, the pale, lifeless face she had shown him would not leave his mind.

He was the one who should have felt betrayed.

So why had she looked like the one who had been abandoned?

“…Damn it.”

Rikton’s face twisted further.

He tried to compose himself, but when his expression refused to obey his will, he finally gave up and impatiently wiped his face.

This was why he didn’t want to face her. Why he couldn’t stand the sight of her.

Just seeing her face dragged the past he had forced himself to ignore back above the horizon.

He opened the drawer of his desk and stared intently at a letter placed in one corner.

After hesitating for a moment, Rikton picked it up and pulled out the contents from the already opened envelope.

{…Because it is an isolated island village, the locals were extremely wary of outsiders, and we could not investigate any further. However, we managed to learn that…}

It was a report stamped with the seal of urgent dispatch.

Thinking it necessary to investigate the island where Renedia had been found, Rikton had sent someone to look into it. This was that investigator’s report.

The letter listed in detail the condition of the village on Kuswell Island and the circumstances that forced the withdrawal.

But Rikton’s gaze was fixed on a single sentence in the middle of the report.

He had read it over and over again, yet it was not a mistake.

{The woman called “Cotton” appears to have lived in Kuswell forming a household with a certain man…}

Before he could even finish reading, the report in Rikton’s hand crumpled.

He stood there silently.

After a moment passed, Rikton reached into his coat with his other hand and pulled something out.

It was a piece of paper folded many times.

When he unfolded the worn, grimy paper, the outlines of two people appeared.

It was Rikton and Renedia when they were younger, their cheeks still round with youth.

Rikton, apparently uncomfortable being drawn, stood stiffly at attention, while Renedia looked forward with a suppressed laugh, as if she found him adorable.

Linking arms and standing close together, even within the drawing they seemed to radiate happiness.

Rikton’s face changed moment by moment as he looked down at the portrait.

Anger surged in his eyes as if he could barely contain it. Then, as though holding back something rising in his chest, his nose bridge and lips twisted repeatedly.

The memories of the past he had once treasured deeply had long since turned into a bitter blade.

“I brought some cookies you used to like. Please try them.”

With the gentle voice, a neatly arranged plate of cookies was set on the table.

Lost in thought, Cotton snapped back to her senses and smiled.

“Thank you.”

At that, the middle-aged woman smiled back and urged her to eat plenty.

The curved lines of her eyes gazed at Cotton with a strangely sorrowful look.

Pretending to shift her attention, Cotton reached into the basket and avoided her gaze.

Trying to ignore the phrase “used to like,” she took a bite of a cookie.

The balance of sweetness and refreshing fruit flavor blended perfectly.

Though she had never seen these cookies before, they suited her taste very well.

“How is it?”

“…It’s very delicious.”

At that, the wrinkles around the woman’s eyes grew moist.

Realizing it herself, she turned her body slightly and dabbed the corners of her eyes with a handkerchief.

“You’ve become quite thin since the last time we saw you.”

The middle-aged man said gently as he patted his wife’s shoulder.

Hearing the concern in his voice, Cotton shook her head.

“I’ve just had a bit of a poor appetite lately. But thanks to this, it feels like it’s coming back.”

“Your Majesty the Empress. No… Renedia. It’s good to see your face again after so long.”

Renedia.

The only people who called Cotton that were these two—Rikton and Renedia’s parents.

After becoming empress and growing distant from Rikton, she had almost stopped hearing that name.

Hearing the other name again after so long, Cotton nodded with difficulty.

Back when she had been desperately trying to recover her memories, Cotton had met with the Alfrt couple often.

But her memories never returned, and the hopeful looks in their eyes gradually became a burden.

Eventually, even after marriage, Cotton rejected every audience request they sent and kept her distance.

Yet after nearly a year, Cotton herself had contacted them asking to meet.

When Cotton unconsciously reached out her hand, Raven—Renedia’s father—pushed the basket of cookies closer to her.

As she took another cookie, Cotton looked at the couple before her.

She knew it was rude to stare at people so openly, but her gaze kept drifting to the man’s hair.

Cotton lowered her eyes and touched her own hair.

Even without comparing closely, it was obvious.

The same ash-gray color as his.

Realizing she was searching for such connections just to reassure herself, Cotton let out a faint, self-mocking smile.

[Is the reason you don’t love me anymore because you can’t forget your former fiancée?]

[Then what? After insisting you weren’t her, are you going to pretend to be Renedia now?]

She had wanted to hear him deny it.

She wished it were some other reason.

But Rikton had admitted it with his own mouth.

After their marriage, Rikton had never shown emotion.

If she went to see him, he avoided her. If she spoke, he ignored her.

To him, she was an invisible person.

Even a stone by the roadside would at least be kicked aside—yet she was treated worse than that.

Servants would even click their tongues at how indifferent he was.

But two days ago, for the first time in a year, he had gotten angry.

He answered her.

Their eyes met.

When he turned away, he looked back.

Because she had mentioned his former fiancée’s name.

Faced with a truth no one could deny, Cotton’s heart ached.

Alone in the bedroom, she had questioned herself over and over until she painfully realized it.

Her husband still loved Renedia Alfrt. He had never forgotten her.

There had been only one wish in Cotton’s heart since the day she met Rikton.

She wanted to be Renedia.