IRRY 04

Chapter 4

“I can’t eat any more.”

Cotton covered her mouth and avoided the fork coming toward her.

“I’m feeding you like this and you still won’t eat? Are you trying to make everyone worry again?”

“It’s not that… my stomach just feels…”

“You still have to eat. The physician told you to make sure you eat properly, didn’t he? If you keep doing this, it’s only going to make things difficult for me.”

Sheldie pointed at the remaining food as if to say look at it. Then she once again brought the fork with food on it toward Cotton’s mouth.

Cotton glanced back and forth between her and the fork before reluctantly accepting it. But after chewing only a few times, she shook her head again.

“Honestly, what a hassle.”

The muttered complaint stabbed sharply into her.

Cotton tried to at least chew and swallow what was already in her mouth, but her throat felt blocked and tight.

The appetizing roasted duck covered in sauce was barely touched before it was moved back onto the tray. After clearing the plate, Sheldie clapped the crumbs from her hands and looked Cotton up and down.

“Let’s pull your hair up a bit more. You should at least look somewhat presentable.”

The maid who had been styling her hair tightened the arrangement at Sheldie’s gesture. Cotton’s eyes squeezed shut involuntarily.

Her scalp felt as though it might be ripped out, but if she moved now, sighs would surely come from every direction.

While she endured the pain, Sheldie clapped her hands. The maids who had been hovering around while dressing her scattered away.

Circling around Cotton and examining her from every angle, Sheldie finally seemed satisfied and prepared to leave.

“Let’s go.”

As Cotton followed behind, the bright purple dress chosen by Sheldie swayed loudly. It was a permitted outing and her first time outside in a long while.

Yet Cotton left the palace with a dark expression, as if she were being dragged somewhere against her will.

The large jeweled necklace around her neck was unbearably uncomfortable, and the thick rings on her fingers were so heavy her fingers couldn’t even touch together.

Everything felt like it was weighing her down.

The place they arrived at by carriage was the Empress Palace, where Cotton was originally supposed to reside.

When she stepped down from the carriage, people were already chatting cheerfully in the garden.

As Cotton walked toward the empty seat of honor, the chatter stopped and all eyes turned toward her.

Forcing an awkward smile under their uncomfortable gazes, she nodded slightly. One by one, they stood and offered greetings.

The women dressed elegantly in luxurious gowns were noble ladies who dominated high society and held considerable political influence.

Several sharp gazes quickly swept from Cotton’s hair down to her feet before stopping on the glittering jewelry she wore.

“You’re still as beautiful as ever. That must be the secret to being loved by His Majesty.”

“Indeed. Those splendid jewels suit you so well.”

“Even with so many jewels covering you, His Majesty must simply turn a blind eye. How enviable.”

Women more sensitive to information than anyone else could hardly be unaware of the rumors circulating within the imperial palace.

They knew everything—and were mocking her for it.

Aside from her face, what else does she have?

How did she ever catch the emperor’s eye?

She isn’t even favored by him, yet she adorns herself with such expensive things.

Perhaps the emperor simply doesn’t care what the empress does.

Sheldie, who had been pulling out a chair for her, couldn’t suppress a small snicker.

Only then did Cotton realize why Sheldie had taken such care preparing her appearance.

Quietly, she sat down.

“Have you heard the news? Apparently the Anton family this time…”

“Oh my, that was true? See, you really have to speak with people to know…”

Just like every other tea party, the sequence unfolded exactly the same.

After the compliments disguised as insults ended, their attention moved away from her.

Conversation continued among them as if Cotton weren’t even present.

She was treated as though she didn’t exist here as well—but strangely, that was preferable.

If the topic were ever to turn toward her…

“Come to think of it, Mrs. Elfrert didn’t attend again this time.”

The attention of the room focused on Cotton.

Under their urging gazes, she felt her breath tighten as she delivered the message.

“She said she had urgent matters to attend to. She promised she would certainly attend the next tea party.”

“Yes, of course she did.”

Heh, heh, heh.

Small laughter slipped from behind fans covering their mouths.

The faint sound pierced Cotton like shards of broken glass.

She simply closed her mouth.

There was nothing she could say.

At first, she had tried to participate in the conversations.

But the true purpose of these tea parties, though they seemed like idle chatter, was information exchange.

Cotton, who was mostly confined to her room and had never been taught any duties of the empress, could not possibly join conversations filled with politics and noble society affairs.

Whenever she mustered the courage to say something, the reaction was always the same.

Cold gazes like those directed at a stone lying in the street—and a heavy silence so oppressive it felt like violence.

This gathering was held in the Empress Palace, hosted by the Empress herself.

Yet to them, Cotton was someone who shouldn’t even be present.

Even so, she continued holding the tea parties.

She attended every single one.

Just in case something useful for Rictun might come up in their conversations, she listened carefully.

But today, she wanted to escape from the moment she sat down.

“Please don’t take it too harshly. It must be difficult for them to see the empress who has lost her memory.”

“We should try to help, but I wonder if Her Majesty would even understand… It would be best if her memory returned.”

“Which is exactly why she should attend gatherings like this. Once her memories return, wouldn’t Asbern prosper even more? Of course, His Majesty is managing the empire very well on his own already.”

Normally, Cotton would have pretended not to hear, like someone deaf.

But today, the disregard disguised as sympathy weighed heavily on her.

Her stomach churned as if she had motion sickness.

Her chest felt tight.

The blood drained from her pale skin until she looked like a lifeless doll.

“Then… doesn’t that mean I’m unnecessary…?”

It was only a tiny whisper, quiet enough that only she herself should have heard it.

But at that exact moment—

one woman picked up her teacup,

another unfolded her fan,

and others adjusted their clothes and hair.

For a brief moment, silence filled the air.

It felt as though waves were crashing inside her stomach.

Overwhelmed by sudden nausea, Cotton pushed her chair back.

Ignoring the startled gazes of the noble ladies, she hurried toward the palace.

She didn’t even follow the paved path, instead running through the garden forest.

But before long, she grabbed onto a tree and bent over.

“Ugh…!”

Her mouth opened involuntarily, and watery stomach fluid splattered onto the grass.

Her stomach lurched again and again as she retched.

Among the liquid soaking the grass were chunks of undigested meat.

It seemed the food she had forced herself to eat had upset her stomach.

Even after nothing remained except bitter yellow liquid, she still didn’t feel better.

If anything, the nausea worsened.

Wiping her mouth, Cotton left the garden.

Sheldie was still there, but since she didn’t come after her, she was probably enjoying gossip about Cotton with the noble ladies.

Alone, Cotton took a carriage back to the main palace and returned to her bedroom.

She struggled out of the heavy dress and collapsed onto the bed.

All she had done was move from place to place and sit still, yet her body and mind were utterly exhausted.

She closed her eyes, wishing she could at least escape into sleep.

“Then… doesn’t that mean I’m unnecessary…?”

But the words echoed in her mind, engraved too deeply to fade.

They refused to let her rest.

“Your memory must return.”

Memory.

It was the one thing Cotton wanted to find more than anything—

and also the one thing she feared finding the most.

Sometimes—very rarely—Cotton visits Rictun’s bedroom.

When she endures and endures until she can no longer bear it…

When her anxiety grows so heavy that it suffocates her…

She goes to her husband.

Tonight was one of those nights.

Late at night, with darkness settled over the palace, Cotton stood hesitating before a door with a lantern in her hand.

She raised her hand as if to knock, only to step back again.

She repeated the motion several times.

Finally—

Knock. Knock.

After a long hesitation, she gathered her courage and knocked.

A low voice from inside granted permission to enter.

Taking a deep breath, Cotton opened the door.

Inside the dim room, only the candle on the desk flickered faintly.

And within that orange glow, a pair of sharp eyes fixed on her.

“Rictun… um…”

His gaze silently asked what she wanted.

But the words refused to leave her lips.

Heat gathered in her face.

In the end, she stopped trying to speak, stepped inside, and closed the door.

Her heart felt like it might burst from her chest.

Her mouth was dry, yet she swallowed anyway.

She set the lantern down on the floor.

Then she untied the clasp at her shoulder and slowly removed her cloak.

The fabric slipped down and fell softly to the floor.

Beneath it was a thin slip that revealed the full line of her body.

Even she could tell how obvious the intention was.

Embarrassment and humiliation flooded her.

Her body trembled, but Cotton clasped her hands together and endured it.

Rictun left his desk and approached her.

Looking up at him standing before her, Cotton blinked.

She could no longer read what he was thinking.

His gaze simply rested on her.

Please accept me.

Please don’t reject me.

Don’t push me away.

Please.

Time passed painfully.

Her eyes stung with the threat of tears.

Then finally, Rictun grabbed her arm and pulled her toward him.

The moment she felt his warmth, the tension drained from Cotton’s body.

She staggered slightly as she followed him.

One of the emperor’s most important duties was to produce an heir.

Perhaps because of that, Rictun never rejected her when she came to his bedroom.

At times like this, she was grateful that her husband was the emperor.

If he weren’t the emperor…

Would he have coldly thrown me out?

Rictun released her and walked around the room.

Starting with the lantern near the door, he extinguished the lights and candles one by one.

With each light that disappeared, darkness deepened.

And Cotton’s breathing gradually grew faster.

At last—

not a single light remained.

Darkness swallowed the room completely.